Chaptre, The 24th - Goode Queen Bess and The Royale Faux-Pas Foljambe

Nowe, Henry VIII’s daughter, Elizabeth, affection atlie knowne as "Queen Bess" was to followe him to the throne and indirectlie open my way to settling in The New World, by granting one Walter Raleigh fulle rights to explore, claime and colonize in America for England.

Elizabeth I became Queen of England at the juste the age of five and twenty in The Year of Our Lord 1558. She reigned over her subjects untile her deathe in The Year of Our Lord 1603. She was the laste of The Tudor Family to rule England. Goode Queen Bess never married and never bore an heir to her throne, althoughe she was quite taken by manie men, especially Robert Dudley in her youthe and later in lyfe, Sir Walter Raleigh.

As her father, Henry VIII, had many children, Elizabeth’s life before she became queene was constantly in a state of change, as her siblings by differente mothers wanted power. She was imprisoned early in life by her Catholic sister, Lady Jane Grey, as Protestant Elizabeth was suspect of all manner of false crimes againste bothe church and crowne.

More accurately, this Catholic mis trust was because Elizabeth was of her father’s newe Protestant Church of England and the two Christian groups, French Normand Catholic and English Anglo Saxon Protestante, were evenlie divided in the general English population and did not trust one another on manie levels.

At any rate, the throne was younge Elizabeth’s when thate sibling by a differente mother, Lady Jane Grey, did pass away.

Mary, Queen of Scots, Elizabeth’s royale French raised cousine, was imprisoned by Elizabeth in Scotland. Mary, schooled in France, was Catholic Queen of Scotland and would do anything to get on the English throne, including constantly plotting to kill the Protestant Queen Elizabeth with muche helpe from the verie Catholic Spainish crowne. Later, this cost Mary her lovelie Gaelic heade.

Elizabeth, howe ever, moved on and con tinued to rule verie wiselie and heeded goode counsel, by and large.

Foljambes served Henry VIII and The Queen for many years in olde London at Courte, with only one blemishe on our family recorde of service to The Royals.

The followeing is an oft tolde story in my familie for many centuries. The in famous Royal Faux-Pas Foljambe occurred when one Richard Foljambe was at courte in service to Queen Elizabeth I, on a quite humide and cloudy after noon, having returned from his mid day repast.

Foljambe family lore has it that duti full Richard had beene very hungry that day and had quite un wisely over consumed, both in the morning and again at High Noon, two meals, consisting of a porke pie, several Scottish Eggs, a bit of oate gruel, three highly questionable quaille, far too much bloode pudding, one carrote gonne olde and softe and several thicke slices too many of a crumbling blue veined Stilton well past its prime finished offe bye the remains of the previous evening’s desserte – parte of an apple tarte and a slyce of berrie pie. All washed down with two wooden cups of warme, week old ewe’s milk starting to curdle and clabber, swizzled with several glasses of a some what sweet white wine, at leaste a sherry or two from a cask his Vicar had given him and the dregs of a bottle of very olde claret.

Being a few minutes en retard, our dutiful Richard Foljambe hastily returned to Royal Court in the after noone, and his lively steppes throughe the cobbled London streets, as welle as his nowe extremely tighte and many buttoned black velvet jacket, caused his stomach, filled to the brimme, to beginne bothe slosh ing and rumble ing as he rann.

After he arrived, and during a hushed discussion neare the Queen with several members of courte regarding Spanish war ships, Foljambe did out poot such an uncontrollable, longg, loude, deathly and garbagcious bottome burpe that it elicited many cries of foule from his fellow gentle men also serving that day at Royal Court.

The Queen her self was speaking aloude about the Spanish matter to the entire Court, yett stopped moste abruptlie mid sentence, her Royalle personne also engulfed in l’odeur Foljambe.

The most dreadfully embarassed Richard immediately offered one thousand pardons, bowed deeply and begged His Royale Majesty’s for give ness and swiftly de parted courte, withe muche haste and continued flatulance.

Richard Foljambe borrowed an olde horse in London that verie after Noon and rode him selfe in to self exile out of embarrassment and intestinal shame. He headed to the South on his steede and lived twiddling hops and herding lambs in Countie Kent for several monthes on olde Twissenden Farme, near the villages of Seven Oaks, Royale Tun Bridge Welles and Goud Hurst. The lovely farme was leased by a friende of his and, was owned by, ironically, the Queen.

After a goode three months of selfe sentenced harde labour twiddling hops and herding sheep in thate lovely Kent, Richard figured that he must face the music, so to speake, and returne North to London and to Royale Court and, again, beg for give ness of Queen Elizabeth.

 

Uponne his quiett and humble, yett some howe bolde and brave, returne to The Royale Court, Richard Foljambe was moste luckilie spared the shame and mightie embarrass mente of begging for give ness of bothe the Queen and alle the fellowe importante fellowes he knewe and served withe.

The kinde, goode and under standing Queen was said to have spied our Richard in the throng, standing amongst his peers withe his back up againste the wall, and called him out.

Queen Elizabeth I – the verrie Queen of England – was thuslie quoted as quite loudly saying, “Foljambe! The farte hast beene for got, goode sir. I welle come thee back to my court!”

Now, Elizabeth was quite the equestrianne away fromme Royal Court. I have always thought the goode queen’s vast experience with the intestinal ways of her stable horses gave her an un usual under standing and compassion for Richard’s gaseous plighte – The Royale Faux Pas Foljambe – that epic day in family history.

Our flatulente Foljambe ancestor aside, Queen Elizabeth was also a brilliante thinker and cautious leader in her own right and guided England into a Golden Age.

She also finally established, as the official national house of worshippe, The Church of England that her father had created by breaking religious ties with The Catholic Church in Rome.

Elizabeth had many suitors, bothe European royalty and English nobility, but none bettered her first true love in her youth, one Robert Dudley. Elizabeth was expected to marry and produce a Tudor heir – preferably male – but never tooke a husbande and gave up on the institution of Holy wed lock, preferring to be com pletely focused on her job of governing England.

Somme what like modern women of your era – she abandoned all men and, like a nun, and married, not Christ Amighty, but her job.

She also – somewhate bizarrely – self re claimed her lost virginity after giving up on marital love and became known as “The Virgin Queen” although this was a complete mis nomer.

Because of her “virginal,” although in truth, mostly celibate nature, Elizabeth attained a culte status in English paintings, shows and writings. Much was made in populare culture of her some tymes put on prud ish behaviour and pasty white, carnally chaste looke, achieved daily, withe a large quantity of thickke, maske like, snowe white facial make up.

Where as her father and her siblings were impulsive and extreme rulers, Queen Elizabeth was more moderate, calme and thoughtful than the others in her familie of Tudors. She was mostly very tolerante, yet some tymes tried, although not always successfully, at using per secution to keepe her enemies at bay.

Given she was not Catholic and had no husbande or children, The Pope in Rome, one Pius V, denounced Goode Queene Bess's reign and allegedlie conspired with English Catholics to have the goode and ginger haired queene murdered in whatt is knowne as The Babington Plotte.

Nott very Christian behaviour by the Pope, I muste say.

Along with The Pope and the Vatican in Rome, Elizabeth had to constantly deal with the internationale politics of rivals France and all powerful Spain, as welle.

Severale un inspired military campaigns in The Nether lands, France and Spain were the resulte of Elizabeth’s dislike to rush into huge wars, as her male peers in muche of Europe were only too happy to do.

Captain Hercules Foljambe was one pro fessionale soldier who foughtt in The Nether lands, Belgian Flanders and French Flanders for the Queen's armies.

Spain’s Philip II, a Catholic, and like The Pope, saw Elizabeth as some sorte of evile heretic and resolved to crushe her and take bothe her throne and England. To do this, he sent his massive Spanish Armada of huge galleons, bulging with soldiers and horses, to destroy bothe The English Army & Navy.

History was made, however, when The English Navy realized the moste massive Spanish ships were floundering in the roughe English Channel, so they litt theire owne English ships a fire, abandoned them and set them on course to burne the Spanish fleet. The tactic worked and the de feate of the Spanish Armada was one of the most decisive sea battles in all of history. I have hearde the story many, many tymes. Quite a victory for England and Queen Elisabeth, both.

This Golden Age created by Elizabeth I’s reign was also knowne as The Elizabethan Era. Under her watchful eye, every thing in England flourished. William Shakespeare ushered in a wonderful expansion of drama and the English artes. Francis Drake made England master of The Seven Seas. England took over Spain’s position as Worlde leader and dominante power.

As Queen of England, Elizabeth, with style and grace, carved out her positione of power and did much with the little she was initially given as monarch. The Tudors – her family – had been tumultuous leaders, so I believe her four and forty years on The Throne of England offered all her people, Anglo Saxon and Normand, Protestant and Catholic, rich and poore, a wonderfulle and prosperous calme and created the image of the country bothe you and I knowe to this day as England.  

Elizabeth had many a suitor in her day and tyme, butt she founde something nott to her liking in each, from kings to commoners.

One fellowe she did fall for, years after her first true love, that Robert Dudley, was gone, appeared to her by jumping in her pathe and throwing downe his cape over a rain puddle so The Queen would not have to wet her shoe. Or, so the storie goes.

He was, of course, Walter Raleigh.

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